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[15 Feb 2007|09:26pm] [ mood | sad ] my heat is hurting 1 Love Note|Who Loves Me?

another day, another night [15 Jul 2006|12:08am] [ mood | sad ] i could stare at pictures of my mom forever. sometimes i wonder if its real, or if im in a bad dream that just didnt end yet. its almost been a year. august 31, 2005... worst day of my life. and to think that a whole year has almost passed blows my mind. how could i live a whole year without her? this past week i have had the whole house to myself..its been nice yet depressing at the same time. i dont like being alone. im not used to being alone. david is at the movies so i cant even talk to him on the phone. but hey.. theres a reason for it. i need to be alone i guess. as much as i want to keep my mind occupied, there has to come a moment where i sit down and think about the fact that my mom is really gone, and she isnt coming back. those times are not my favorite, infact i avoid being alone as much as possible so that i dont have any time to think. when it firt happened nights were the worst. i didnt want to go to bed cuz i knew that my mind would go there. thinking back to 3 years ago when i graduated highschool, i never saw my future throwing me this one. i never imagined a tragic thing happening to me. back then the worst thing was trying to get over jarrett. wow how petty, and yet it was the end of the world at the time. live and learn. cant go back to the past but u can use it towards bettering ur future. forget the past, look forward to the future. i cant wait to get back to nasville. my church is real. the people are real. God is real, and the people im with when im there help me to keep my eyes focused on Him. God took my mom for a reason, and i dont want to question Him, i dont want to get depressed, and i dont want to have anymore anxiety. being in nahvhille helps me get rid of all that quicker. im sick of struggling. my heart will mend... but it wont ever be the same. it will grow in different ways, but yet it will always lack and will always mourn. i praise God for the amount of years i got to spend with her and i praise Him for how i was raised. i praise God that my mom showed me the way to savation. in the long run that is the most important thing. no more tears tonight.... the bible says theres a time for mourning, but then theres a time to rejoice... and tonight i've done enough mourning. sleepy time she comes. Who Loves Me?

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